[Hey Blargnauts. Aria wants me to write again, so I’m going to poop out this super brief, stream-of-consciousness bitchfest. Maybe it will be a regular thing; maybe not. Here we go!]
I recently borrowed a copy of Castlevania: Lords of Shadow: Mirror of Fate. (Trying saying that one time at a moderate pace… without feeling like a moron). Okay, so my heart was broken when it was announced that the original Castlevania: Lords of Shadow was beginning a new canon for Castlevania; but now they are apparently re-branding the Castlevania series as Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. And you thought Akumajo Dracula was bad! It’s so dumb! But, I digress…
I played this bastardization of my beloved “Cassie” for about an hour. It’s starts with a boring prologue starring boring Gabriel from the first “CasLorShad”. You do some stuff predicated on the first game, which I didn’t play, so I didn’t really care. Then the gameplay starts, and “Oh boy!”, I thought to myself. “Let’s see how they botched this simple combat concept!” Well, I was actually wrong. They didn’t ruin “The ‘Vane’s” combat; they adequately implemented God of War’s combat… in 2D. Moving on…
After the prologue, you’re put into the tribal skins of Gabriel’s grandson: none other than Simon Belmont himself. “This should be better”, I thought. “Now they’ll introduce new and interesting elements.” Wrong again. Same bland GoW combat. Worse yet, there’s not enough of it. You spend more time platforming (a task which doesn’t even resemble fun in this instance), than you do stupidly whipping around.
Okay, this brief rant is getting less brief. So I’m gonna to diarrhea out the rest of my thoughts, completely acknowledging the fact the I’m giving up on putting any real effort into this.
- The game is butt -ugly! These polygon are so jagged and plain, they make me want to puke!
- Alucard uses a whip! What? Also, he’s made out of ugly polygons.
- CastLorShat has barely noticeable music. Which is the worst possible sacrilege for a Castlevania game.
- It’s bad! It’s really bad! Don’t play it!
Okay, that’s it. ::whips around mic until bored, then drops::